Brooke took Harper to Target and allowed her to pick out whatever she wanted to give me for my birthday.
Brent came in Saturday for the weekend. Brooke & Jared got a babysitter and the four of us had grown-up dinner Saturday night. Sunday morning Brent and I met the Meabon family for breakfast and Harper proudly presented me with my birthday gift.
Cinderella Hair-Do Head
Yep, my very own Cinderella with hair to style, just for me! Sometimes you get exactly what you want and what you really need for your birthday.
Yep, today I became 59 years old.Odd, I don’t feel any differently than I did a day ago, I don’t even think I feel any differently from what I felt a year ago, or have I forgotten? I can’t remember.
I look at my children now, 35 and 33 years old and I’m amazed that I could possibly have children in their mid-thirties. I remember being in my mid-thirties like it was yesterday, or does it seem like another life ago? I remember I was given a surprise 30th birthday party and I got hit in the face with a cream pie by our church’s youth minister. I was given a lovely surprise birthday roast when I turned 40 by all of my Midland friends. That was the same weekend Steve asked me to marry him...my best birthday of all!!
30th Birthday after the pie in the face
40th Birthday Roast
The telephone just rang, it was a recorded message asking me to participate in a survey for senior citizens, did they get the wrong number?Am I really a senior citizen?I don’t yet qualify for senior discounts at movie theaters.I can’t sign up for Medicare yet.I was able to get the shingles vaccine, but that’s because they changed the age last year from 60 to 50 years old.
Another birthday that stands out in my memory was my 10th birthday. I wanted nothing except a pair of royal blue stirrup stretch pants (leggings today) and the album of “The Sound of Music.” I remember pulling those bright blue stretch pants over my boney birdlike legs, draping a towel over the back of my head and taking my record player into the backyard. I plugged my little red portable turntable into an outside outlet, turned that volume up and stood spinning in large circles, arms wide, in the middle of the yard. There I was, Maria von Trapp, a nun in towel, singing every word from “The Sound of Music” as if I were Julie Andrews on top of that Austrian mountain top. I still remember all the words of those songs today.
Several nights ago I pulled my hair back in a clippy and had washed my face. As I took the towel away from my face I was taken aback at the image staring back at me. For a brief moment, as I stood there hair back, without make-up, looking at a very young Janet of about 8 or 9 years old. I watched motionless for a moment staring at my young self as memories of myself as a child surged through me.
Minnie Mama always gave me a Toni Perm...oh the smell!
I felt a certain sadness for a small awkward little girl that seemed too thin, too quiet, too bland for the world around her. I felt a warmth for the formidable childhood memories this young girl had. I pictured my bedroom, remembering the little printed flowered wallpaper and my puffy pink bedspread that I would burrow into. I remembered being a little older, the wonderful memories of our family’s lake house grew vivid in my mind. What fun summers we spent skiing, swimming and simply enjoying simple summers there.
7th grade with my sister, Barbara
Brent and Brooke also grew up spending summers at that same lake house. My thoughts skipped decades as I remained still in front of my reflection. A smile grew in my heart as I thought of teaching each of my children to waterski, of my father, their Papaw, taking them on bear hunts and following Indian trails and other great adventures through the piney woods Texas.
Brent & Papaw
Thinking of my father, my mind traveled to the times I enjoyed with my parents in their older years at that lake home. They were frailer then, our times together were more placid in those last years. We would sit out on the large sloping front lawn and look out at the lake and talk about everything and nothing. They are both gone now, as is that beloved lake spot.
I looked at my reflection and I came back to the present. Where did those 59 years go? Has my life been worthwhile? Have I done anything of value or legacy? I certainly can’t compare myself to someone like Mother Teresa, Gandhi, or Einstein as I would fail greatly as a person of worth and value in this life of mine. So have I had a good life? Have I evolved from that awkward, shy, child with little self-esteem, and if I have, how did I get where I am now? Am I okay with this middle-aged woman staring back at me?
I don’t know if I have answers to all the questions that caught me so off guard that night, but what I do know is that I am good with who I am. I like being 59 years old, I wouldn’t want to go back to 19 or 29 or 49 (I skipped 39 because that’s the year I met Steve). I love that I have adult children of my own. I am proud of them for who they are, for what they stand for, for the love that we all have for one another. If I have done anything of value and worth in my entire life it has been giving birth to Brent and Brooke, they are my finest legacy.
Are there things I would have done differently if had the opportunity? Of course, but maybe not...because each part of my life, whether good or bad, tragic or thrilling has caused me to become the person I am today. While my life hasn’t been perfect, it’s been a good, an excellent life and I hope that, God permitting I will to continue to be able stand in my backyard with a towel draped down the back of my head and sing at the top of my lungs...
“Climb every mountain,
Ford every stream,
Follow every rainbow,
'Till you find your dream.
A dream that will need
All the love you can give,
Every day of your life
For as long as you live.”
Everyone has tried this simple, yet oh so complex little game some time in their lives. Setting up at line of dominos and watching them cascade one after the other down a perfect line until the last one drops. Of course, unless you are a master at the precise placement and spacing of each domino you will end up with heap of dominoes that has stopped in mid stream. What then?
Our domino effect began November 21, 2008. Once Steve realized he had Stage 4 Gliomablastoma Multi forma he began placing his first row of dominos. Steve, thinking his time was very limited began stacking multiple rows of dominos in lines. You’ve seen these displays, the dominos spiral round in a huge circle, they go up and down levels...it’s amazing to watch row after row of dominos fall in syncopation.
Steve was striving to master his domino effect of life. He began by first putting all his finances in order. Each placement of every domino was strategically placed. He spent hours making sure everyone would be well taken care of and there would be no hitches at the end of this domino line. Lynn and I are still marveling at how completely Steve’s proficiency was in this area, as each domino has fallen smoothly and perfectly into place. Steve so wanted this to be an effortless task for all of us, what a gift.
Steve’s second line of dominos has many unexpected twists and turns. It’s the area that would cause bystanders to laugh and applaud his foresight and his humor. This domino effect would be called, “The More the Better Effect”.
Steve always felt it was important to have extras on hand, in case production of an item stopped or models changed. As Steve realized his time here had been extended a bit, he was able to take great care in buying all the necessary items needed to form these twists and turns.
Like what? Well, I’ll start with an extra kitchen faucet. Brand new still in the box labeled in his handwriting “Extra Kitchen Faucet”. Then there is the extra master bath toilet seat and flush handle...just in case. I found an extra complete hardware kit for our front door (deadbolt, handle and all the stuff that comes with needing a new door knob), extra rolls of wallpaper, carpet, fabric for sofas, chairs...just in case. Being the master domino placer that Steve was each item has been discovered in rather obscure places and labeled for their purpose. Such as the extra television lamp I found for a TV that we no longer own. I now have the light when that television stops working. Masterful, complex, always planning for the next unexpected twist...Steve Boswell, I love you!
Then there are the fascinating spiral domino tumbles. Where you have circles inside of circles and they seem never ending yet suddenly they fall back into their straight line and continue on until the last domino drops.
Steve’s spiral effect was our gift of time. Steve was given time to go over and over with me issues that concerned him. Things that would help make my life easier, explanations of why he had all these “extras” and what I was to do with them. He had instructions on finances, instructions on equipment I had no idea how to use, comments on where things were. I’ll admit, I hated hearing him start a sentence, “Janet, when I’m gone you need to know…” I would cringe. I would try to listen because I knew it was what he needed to feel his dominos were in a row, but the thought that someday I would be needing to face all these dominos alone was too frightening, too lonely, too overwhelming...so I listened halfheartedly. Shame on me. I wish I could have every one of those instructional moments back. I would take meticulous notes that I could refer to now. Instead, I have cloudy memories and recollections of, “Oh yeah, I remember something Steve said about…”
The core of that spiral of dominos, right before it becomes a straight line to the finish, I will never forget. I’ve often wondered if it is harder to lose a spouse suddenly or have years of knowing your spouse was terminal? Neither is good, but in this one scenario Steve and I and our family were given a gift.
Steve’s 4 ½ years of knowing his time was limited gave us time to set up many dominos together. Dominos that came together in the core, the very heart of that spiral. Time to say all the things he wanted to each child and grandchild. Time to talk to his mom and his sisters, his cousins telling them how much he loved them. Time to have long visits with good friends and say those things that most men might never have the courage to say to one another.
Time for the two of us to say how we were the luckiest people in the world to have found this love we have for one another. Time to talk every night over dinner about our life together and how amazing every day of it had been. This is when knowing you are going to die is a bestowal.
This is why Steve mastered his domino fall to perfection. No one can stop the Domino Effect, it can’t be avoided. All that can be done is to choose which pattern to arrange, the rest, I believe, is up to God. Steve used the last of his life, his time, energy, knowledge and wisdom to put everything into place. When his domino line grew from it’s complicated maze of a masterpiece into a straight line of the simplicity that signified the end was near, one day his very last domino fell, just as it should have...timing perfect, task complete, job well done.
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.” 1 Peter 5:6
Fall is in the air. Halloween is just around the corner and orange and black is everywhere. All the grandchildren are getting their costumes ready. It’s incredible how Halloween has taken on a life of its own. Anticipation mounts for children as well as some adults.
Elena in her self designed carrot costume!
Harris as Waldo
Halloweens with Brent, Brooke & Jared
I loved pumpkin carving time with my kids. There was something so gratifying about the sound of the knife splitting through the thick skin when you punctured the top of that large orange globe and popped off the top. Looking inside there was so much goop to scoop out. The mushiness, the stringiness, the seeds...the mess. If I had been a Martha Stewartish mom I would have separated the seeds and roasted them for a nourishing snack for the kids. I then would have taken all the innards and made pumpkin pies, breads and all things pumpkin. Instead, I dumped the guts in a newspaper, rolled it up and threw it all away, washing my hands of the debris and focusing attention on the hollowed out pumpkin’s soon-to-be face.
I'm a lot like that hollowed out pumpkin. These past months have caused me to know how that pumpkin feels when the knife splits it's skin. My thick skin suddenly lost it’s protective
shell, once pierced and now my insides have become vulnerable to the elements.
I have moments when I feel like a giant scoop is reaching deep within me and pulling away everything inside me that is worthy, all that makes me feel, sense and care, and it’s all being dumped into a giant trash bin. It’s a hollow, lonely feeling, it feels as if I have become an echo chamber and without my “stuffing” everything that comes into my mind, heart, and spirit just bounces within the walls of the hollowness that now claims me.
Then there are moments when I feel like I’m a self-purging pumpkin. These are the times when my tears are so close to the surface of my eyes, that without reason I feel as if all my emotions, my pumpkin innards are being propelled out of me, as though my thick pumpkin shell has been cracked wide open with a sledge hammer.The tears, the sadness, the reality that Steve is no longer by my side is simply gut wrenching...and the sense of pumpkin purging is overwhelming. So I fall apart at any given moment and there seems no stopping until the purging is complete.
Fortunately these are only moments. They come in waves and then die off and life
continues. Laughter, hugs, looking into someone’s eyes, hearing a voice I love to hear...I suddenly become jack-o-lantern like. My smile is back, my life, though different, continues to have meaning and while Steve is missing, his memory fills me and I’m good to go.
The very best moments, come as quiet gifts and these are my favorite times. These are those moments when, as when you take the top off that pumpkin, I open my mind, my heart, my soul and allow God to light that small candle within me. I allow myself to hear his gentle voice telling me, “As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you; I will hold you by your right hand. I will show you the path to the fullness of joy. I will keep you in perfect peace, trust me. I am close beside you guarding and guiding you all the way.”
It is these moments that I live for, it is these moments when my pumpkin is a glow with the love of God and I know this is how I am meant to live my life, giving light to those within my reach.
I’m praying that my best moments will grow from moments into days...I’m trying, I’m praying and I know I’m not alone.
“ Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.” Matthew 5:15
